21 Jan, 2016 “Shit My DAVOS Says”
WATCH: SH*T MY DAVOS SAYS
This week’s ‘United States of Europe’ update: a Translation Guide to the headlines from Davos. The World Economic Forum: the world’s richest men gathering on a mountaintop so they can shit on the rest of us.
What is the World Economic Forum? It’s easy to think of it like Spectre – a group of evil white men gathering in Switzerland to take over the world, which sounds dangerous and exciting, but – like the James Bond film – turns out to be boring as hell.
Davos’ own website describes is as ‘a chance for journalists to gain access to the big names in global business.’
– Translation: It’s chance for big names in global business to buy their journalists for cash. Like billionaire Sheldon Adelson buying a whole newspaper last month.
With that in mind, here are more translations to some of the headlines you’ll be seeing about Davos.
OR ‘Shit my Davos Says.’
SAVING THE PLANET? OR HELPING THE RICH GET RICHER?
Davos is described as a networking event for global business leaders. In other words it’s a Tinder party for the 1%.
But Davos is where big decisions will be made.
Are we in fact transitioning away from fossil fuels?
Do human rights apply to ones whole supply chain?
And of course, how will the rich keep getting richer?
Oxfam reports: Last year the 85 richest people on the planet owned as much as the poorest 3.5 billion combined.
Oxfam in The Guardian
This year Oxfam reports: The richest 62 people on the planet own as much as the poorest 4.5 billion. So there’s progress!
It’s like 1 big game of Monopoly, and we all have to keep playing until 1 of those 62 guys has everything.
Here are some more headlines you’ll hear from Davos:
– Headline: ’The World Economic Forum is reaching out to the next generation.’ –
Translation: right now the next generation is outside protesting and getting tear gassed.
– Headline: ’Davos is attempting to increase its 16% female attendance rate.’
Translation: This hot tub party is embarrassing! What a Sausage fest…
– ‘I had a great time at Davo’s’
Translation: Some Australian guy has a friend named Dave.
THE FOURTH INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION?
BUT what if we’d give the WEF the benefit of the doubt? According to the website, they’re trying to prepare for ‘The Fourth Industrial Revolution.’
1st Industrial Revolution was Mechanization.
2nd was Automation
3rd was Digitization
4th is Data Production
1st was making Pollution.
2nd Making us work with dangerous machines.
3rd Losing our jobs because of machines.
4th Losing our jobs because of Steve Jobs.
In other words, now that we all have supercomputers in our pockets, we’re all responsible for providing our own jobs basically becoming content providers.
Really Davos? Your new economic model for Fortune 500 companies is to make them do Gaming Review videos for YouTube? Be careful what you wish for!
According to Davos ‘the 4th Industrial Revolution,’ really means:
Shell Oil, will have to give makeup tips.
Goldman Sachs will make prank calls.
And Bill Gates will be doing Unboxing Videos.
(And old, lonely guys will keep making satirical news videos.)
Coming up next week: 3 Ways Dutch EU Presidency is Different. Dutch Cuisine Edition…