4 Feb, 2016
Dear EU, are you sick of US election coverage already? Don’t worry. Only 10 more months to go.
So by now the EU should know the main candidates: Bernie, Hillary, Trump and …Ted Cruz? Yes. He was born in Canada as Rafael Cruz, and now he’s running for President as an American named Ted. With the Slogan ‘TrusTED.’ Because that’s not his real name.
Try to keep up, yes?
What would any of these candidates mean for the EU? Let’s consider the only frame that makes sense: What would the next G7 Summit look like with one of the main 4 candidates?
In 2015, the summit was hosted by Angela Merkel. Remember the G7 Summit with the headline about G7 countries eliminating fossil fuels?
BUT – How would the headline change with, say, Hillary in place of Obama?
Hillary you already know from her time as Secretary of State, creeping out everyone with her ‘Im a stalker’ smile.
But she was effective in pushing Obama’s foreign policy, and she’s most closely related to his tenure. So the headline might change to “Clinton, Merkel Build on Climate Deal.”
BUT campaign Hillary is a bit different than Sec. State Hillary. Hillary wants to break the glass ceiling and be the first woman President. The FIRST, not the second….
So the G7 headline might be: “Merkel misses Summit photo after mysterious accident.”
You already know Bernie for comparing his single-payer health care plan to the UK, from comparing his education plan to Germany, from comparing his welfare plan to Scandanavia. And for his spot-on impersonation of Lord Vigo from Ghostbusters II.
SO if we’d cut and paste Bernie, the headline might be: ‘Sanders Moves to Join the EU.’ And when that doesn’t work, ‘Sanders Emigrates to EU, joins Corbyn Campaign.’
DONALD TRUMP is well-known in the UK for his hate-speech against Muslims and for calling Brussels a hellhole. He’s also known for boycotting debates to avoid certain women, like Megyn Kelly. So Trump wouldn’t BE at the G7 because (let’s face it this whole campaign thing has gone on way longer than he thought it would). AND if Trump would be President he’d boycott the summit because Merkel would be there. And because his favorite world leader wouldn’t… So the headline would be: ‘TRUMP Boycotts G7, says “Bring Back Putin.”’
TED CRUZ. Compared to Trump, he’s big-hearted and lovable, right? Ah, no. As a Tea Party candidate, Cruz wants to slash government, slash taxes and slash anyone who doesn’t get along with him, which – in Washington – is everyone. His standard speaking face resembles severe constipation.
Still, Cruz claims to be the only candidate who is really qualified to be President, even though he hasn’t the Constitutional requirement of being born in the United States. For Cruz, there’s only one way to end this birthright debate once and for all. Cruz would annex Canada. Thereby shrinking the G7 into the G6.
Election season has a long way to go, and there may be some crazy surprises in store. But for the EU, Hillary would actually be the least crazy.